Reflections on the Holy Spirit

It has been an interesting couple of weeks for me. With the youth group, we are doing the Alpha series. This week was the session about the Holy Spirit. In preparation for this, we were asked by some of the adult leaders to choose a day this week to fast and pray for the students as a couple. When I received this email, I immediately thought about how Justin and I both have health issues that disable us from really being able to fast. I got really frustrated and just felt like I did not want to answer the email.

Nonetheless, I did and I committed Justin and I to fast and pray on Wednesday of this week. When Wednesday rolled around, I woke up and then realized that it was fasting day. I was feeling sick and really wanting to start my morning with some coffee and breakfast and I was not able to. Also, plans had rolled out for the day and Justin was set to help with a video recording which would leave me at home, not feeling well, and really wanting to eat.

Sadly enough, the day got crazy quick, I forgot to pray with Justin before he had to leave, and then I gave in to eating something anyhow. I felt like a complete failure and felt like my efforts were worthless. Justin then contacted me and told me that we were invited to a barbecue that afternoon. I was thinking, “Of all of the days, God, really?”

That afternoon, I packed up my stuff and walked to our friend’s house where they were having the barbecue, and we really enjoyed our time and the food. All the while, I felt pretty guilty for not following through with my commitment. The next day came and went, while I hustled and bustled around and we still did not pray for the youth.

However, this morning, I woke up determined that I would pray about the Holy Spirit session and how the youth would be affected and would encounter this topic. When we sat down to pray, though, I realized I had NO idea what to pray about. The topic of the Holy Spirit has split up churches and people around the globe and all of my life I have done what I can to avoid any conversation about the Holy Spirit, because I HATE conflict.

So, I prayed a bit and then just felt like I did not know what to do. I even got pretty nervous about the fact that I had to have a discussion with a small group about the Holy Spirit when I had no idea what to say. I looked over the questions for the group and thought, “well, these are not to bad…” and went on with my day.

Before I continue with my story, I will rewind a little bit. I promise, it is valuable information. I grew up in a church where it was not common to see people speaking in tongues or healing people. When I first saw this happen, I was really weirded out and did not know what was going on. It just made me very uncomfortable. I encountered it here and there in my life, but when I saw it to the extreme on TV or somewhere, I really thought that people were just acting crazy and faking it all to make themselves look good or “more holy.”

This last summer Justin and I went on our first mission trip together with our church to Guatemala. Justin had been on one other trip and I had led quite a few up until this point. I had seen many instances of miraculous healing and spiritual gifts in action and so had Justin. However, this trip was a little different.

The leader of the organization we were with judged our team from the moment she met us. Because of our outward appearance, she immediately called our spiritual maturity as a team into question. From that point forth, we were treated as though we a lower class version of Christian than she was. And just to be clear, this was not only a perception, because she even said that we were.

Because of such treatment by her, I immediately rejected advice and counseling that she tried to offer in various forms. She was adamant about “being filled with the Holy Spirit” and what that meant in her terms. Nightly there was a time that she prayed for people and it was about them being filled with the Spirit to the point that they fell out and lost control of their bodies.

Do not get me wrong, I have seen these events occur before and believe they were very real. The problem was not with the actual events, but with the motivation behind them. She used them as a way to elevate herself above us and act as though she was more holy. Because of this whole experience, I have been very resistant to any talk or actions revolving around being “filled with the Spirit.”

Going into youth this weekend, I was not sure what to expect, because I am working with a completely different group of people. I was just terrified of having a similar experience as the one we had in Guatemala. During our youth night, we watched this video. I do not think anyone has quite captured my belief about this and so clearly. I was a wonderful video to watch and felt like God was speaking directly to me.

The night ended up going incredibly and we had an awesome opportunity to pray over all of the students. It was refreshing to me as well, because I had so much fear and bitterness about the topic, which seemed to just wash away.