China, Learning and Loving: October 2013

I think that this week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I am not incredibly busy because it is a national holiday and I even spent some time in Qingdao with friends. However, since I have been back in Shanghai and spending time in my apartment, I have had a lot of time to think. You may or may not know that my grandma passed away last Friday. She and I were very close and it has taken a toll on me being so far from home. In the last couple of days, I have been sifting through many memories of her and my grandfather (who we lost over ten years ago). I have decided that I need write her a letter to say goodbye in my own way.

Dear Grandma,

I feel like I have been preparing myself for this moment since you got sick again almost three years ago. I remember that you were not feeling well for days and I did everything to try to get you to eat. On Christmas Eve, you went into the hospital and then ended up in the ICU. Justin had planned to propose to me on New Year’s Eve, but we almost cancelled our trip, because we were not sure you were going to make it. You were so happy when we went and returned, because you got to see my ring from your hospital bed in the ICU. Your smile was the best thing I have ever seen.

You came through that trial, but not without hardship, because it was then that we found out your cancer had returned. I just knew after that, it was only a matter of time. As you bravely fought that battle, I did what I could to help you. I spent my work lunches at your house, took you to a few appointments that I was terrified of, and drove you around when you needed it.

I saw you getting weaker as time passed and my heart began to break. I remember talking on the phone with you every day when I had a chance. One day you asked me if you should continue your treatments. I told you that I could not make that decision for you. I just said that you had to decide how you wanted to spend the rest of your life, fighting or enjoying the time you had left.

Soon after, you had some complications and had to move out of your house. Such a sad step in all of our lives, because so many memories were made there. I could not visit you quite as often and you began to forget a lot of what I told you. That really was the beginning of the end and there is not much more to be said about it. Justin and I prayerfully considered coming to China and you supported us as much as you could. However, I would like to spend some time reliving the happy memories I have of you to say thank you and a proper goodbye.

When I was little, I remember you and Grandpa lived close to my preschool and would pick me up every day. I loved the hours spent at your house while my parents worked just being spoiled by you. You even let us live with you a while, when we needed to find a home, and helped take care of us. I also remember spending countless hours watching Nickelodeon and Disney at your house (we did not have cable), playing in the sprinkler in the back yard, and picking exactly what I wanted Grandpa to cook for breakfast. I still talk about these times with friends like I am a kid.

The holidays at your house are the best memories I will ever have. Our family came together for Thanksgiving and Christmas and spent a full day together there. We would eat the best meals from the hearts of family members. We played sports together, played games together, and the grandkids ALWAYS made a fort in the attic with booby traps. You never complained about the mess or the craziness. You were always just happy to have us there and made us feel loved.

As I got older, I remember getting picked up from middle school on half days by you and Grandpa. We always stopped and ate at Wendy’s for lunch. It was your favorite. You would take me out and I always knew you would buy me something if I asked for it. The time was so special to you that it did not even matter. You always attended EVERY performance I was in and saved the program. I know that to you, I was the only star on stage.

After Grandpa passed away, I got to know you even more. You became such a strong woman and pressed on without the love of your life. I cannot imagine how you felt in that time. You found out you had Cancer the first time, not to far after that. I remember waiting in the hospital and getting the news just before leaving for Honduras on a mission trip.

You were always such a strong example in your spiritual life. Up until you were no longer healthy enough to participate, you served on the board at your church and in many committees. You always had your church praying for my mission work and any time I saw someone from your church, you made sure they knew I was the “missionary.” Every trip, before I left, you made sure to slip me a check so I had what I needed for my trip. You literally were one of my biggest supporters.

You supported me in all aspects of my life though. When I was struggling to get my driver’s license, you were so concerned. You called me so many times to come over and take you places, so I could practice. One time, when we drove to Bed, Bath and Beyond, your favorite place with the 20% off coupon (that you always used on me), we had a near death experience. I pulled out of the parking lot across lanes of traffic and there was no one coming. However, somehow in a split second, there was a car that I apparently cut-off, running us off the road. They were screaming profanities and putting up the middle finger at us. You just hollered back at them and told me not to worry about it. You always had a fighter’s spirit.

You also were so excited to help with my wedding, even though you were sick. You spoke to the board at your church so we could have the wedding there. You made sure they would not charge too much and arranged a meeting for us with the pastor. In the days leading up to the wedding, you told me they were waxing the floors for us and you made sure NOTHING would interfere with my big day. You worried and worried about your dress for the wedding and did not think it matched. I assured you it was perfect. You walked in my wedding and carried on with John, our friend who walked you down the aisle. You were so proud to have it at your church and to be there for my wedding. I am thankful you could be there.

My most precious memories center on your most favorite time of the year though. I think it had something to do with your birthday! You would plan with me to come over and lug the twenty boxes of Christmas decorations down from your attic. We then would spend nearly two days unpacking them and decorating. I always had to start by constructing the fake tree, that I had to convince you was worth it. Then, you would unpack all the ornaments that your children and grandchildren had made or given you, while I hung the lights. After I got all the lights on the tree you would always insist it needed more, so I would add more. We would then decide on the theme for the tree, red, green, or gold, because you loved the fancy trees you saw on T.V. Sometimes we had to stop and go buy ribbon or something to make it look better.

We finally hung all of the ornaments, and then would find more that we had to make fit. It was such a beautiful tree filled with love and memories. I also helped with all of the other decorations. My favorite was the ice skaters operated by a fan with candles. While we decorated, you always played the Gene Autry Christmas album on your record player and sang along with your beautiful voice. I really believe you were the happiest in those moments.

I literally could go on forever, but I really think you know how much I love you. I just needed to put it in writing for my own good and to share it with others. You have been such an inspiration to me in my life with your strong heart and stubborn spirit. I will always remember you and how you loved me. I look forward to dancing with you and Grandpa in heaven someday; I just hope it is soon.

I love you Grandma! Goodbye.